Changing my mind

I've never been one to accept compliments easily.

Mainly because I typically would question the reasoning behind the compliment.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't think people were blatantly lying to my face. But I always wondered "why" when someone said they thought I looked nice that day. Or if they thought my shirt was cute, etc.

Never did I imagine that people would begin to compliment me on my physical being.

I don't know if it's because I've hit that magical "50" mark in my weight loss or what? (I actually surpassed it. A feat I will gladly admit, not overlook).

Being down 52 pounds thus far is just amazing. And the compliments I'm receiving are pretty great too.

Do they do wonders for my self-esteem? Absolutely. But I'm discovering that the more I hear them, the harder it is to say thank you. I'm having a hard time "believing" them and accepting them. Again, I realize people aren't lying to my face but maybe they're just being nice? I've never been one to hear these kinds of things so to hear them now and to hear them often is quite an adjustment.

The other day, I found myself responding to a co-worker with a "Pfffftttt" when she said, "You're looking pretty skinny there, ma'am!"

OK, let's get one thing straight. I'm not skinny. I've never been skinny and probably never will be skinny.

But the fact of the matter is, people are definitely noticing my weight loss. And while my body is starting to physically change for the better, my head still needs some work. (No comments from the peanut gallery please!)

As I read over what I've just written, I realize this seems a bit ridiculous. Like I can't find something else to complain/write about? For pete's sake, I need to get a grip! This is my biggest problem right now? I'm having difficulty hearing how great I look? Some could only wish for a problem such as this.

But changing one's perception after years of being ingrained with "Fat people are ugly, not worthy, useless, lazy, etc." (or fill in the blank with any negative word you can think of) is difficult to do.

But I'm going to try!

Another 10 bites the dust....

And another 10 gone and another 10 gone, another 10 bites the dust!

Yes, that's right. I'm down not 10, not 20, not even 30....but 52 pounds in just 15 weeks!

I'm extremely proud of myself and my friends and family are too. The support I've received throughout my journey thus far has been amazing. I'm so blessed.

In fact, last night, during my prayers, I began to cry....not because I was sad but because I'm so overwhelmed by my success. And it's by the grace of God that I am where I am today....at 52 pounds less. All the praise goes to Him!

I've NEVER had this kind of success before on any diet I've ever tried. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I've done this well.

I'm doing this.

No one else.

Just me.

Oh, and God.

Girls weekend

I attended a girls' get together this past weekend with six friends from high school.

It was interesting to say the least.

I hadn't seen some of these girls for months so I was quite excited to see their reactions to my weight loss (42 pounds to date).

Well, maybe I had too high of expectations as not one of them said a word.

Two of the six girls last saw me a month ago so they were well aware of my weight loss and how my looks were changing (sort of). One girl I saw in June. Two in February and one last November so for sure, I was expecting some reaction from them. The last three had no knowledge I was even losing weight.

They all came in at separate times but I got no reaction. Nothing.

Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Another friend of mine was certain these other friends were going to freak out when they saw me so on Sunday evening when I talked to her, she was so excited to hear what my other friends had said. So, when I told her that no one said anything, she was the one who freaked out! She could not believe that none of them had said anything. She said that even if she had no knowledge of my weight loss efforts, she would be able to tell. Maybe it's because I see her more often?

When I finally "outed" myself to my friends about my dieting efforts, they were happy for me but still no major reactions. I'm not sure what I was expecting from them. I mean, I didn't think anyone would do cartwheels for me but I thought maybe an "Oh my gosh!" exclamation and maybe a hug? But nope. Nothing.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not going to let this get me down. No way! I've come to far to let something so trivial as this affect my journey.

But it's interesting to me that while some of my friends who I see more often go on and on about how great I look, these girls said nothing. I began to wonder if maybe it's because they just see me for who I am. I mean, I'm still overweight so I'm the overweight friend. I don't mean that they think bad of me being overweight but just that it's who I am to them.

I might still be overweight but if this weekend taught me anything at all, it's that this weight I carry does not define me as a person. I am still me under these layers but as I shed them, I am becoming someone else.

Not someone better.

Just someone different.