Cleaning out the closet

While on vacation this week, I gave myself one task: Clean out my closet and get rid of my "fat" clothes.

I tackled that feat today and what a feat it was.

I was definitely in the right mind set to let go of these trivial pieces of clothing, those items that I had attached certain memories and moments to. I was ready to put these items in a storage tote and save them for a future garage sale.

A 45-gallon storage tote is now overflowing in our spare bedroom and approximately 75 empty hangers have taken up residency in my closet, waiting for new clothes to drape over them.

In the deep recesses of that closet, I discovered a few things: A wedding dress which is filthy from never getting it dry cleaned 12 years earlier and a fancy black pant suit with beads which I wore as the matron of honor at my best friend's wedding. I pulled the dress out of its makeshift garment protector (also known as a black garbage bag tied in a knot at the bottom) and inspected it. Minus the stains of make-up and dirt, it looked the same as it did 12 years ago when I put it on and married my husband. I thought to myself, "What the heck?" and put it on. Slipping it over my head I wondered how this was doing to turn out. I was anxious as it dropped down over my head, past my stomach and butt, down my legs and to my feet. I reached around and began to zip up the dress. Not only did that not-so-white anymore dress fit me, but I actually had some room to spare!

I surprised myself by not crying but by dancing around instead. My husband was in the bathroom and I whipped open the door and stood there proudly in my wedding gown. Todd said, "Holy crap! You're in your wedding dress. How does that make you feel?" I said, "It feels pretty dang good!"

I made a few calls to some friends and my sister as I was so proud of this accomplishment. It felt good to know that the size I am now is about the size I was when I married Todd. Todd fell in love with a plus-sized woman; he's never known me with any other shape. It made me feel good to know I basically "looked" like I did when we exchanged our vows that day in May in 1997.

The next task was trying on that black pant suit of mine. Apparently that suit held more importance to me than my wedding gown as the pant suit was in an actual garment bag. I pulled it out of the bag and proceeded to put it on. I was on the phone with my best friend at the time as I had called to tell her I tried on my wedding dress. I told her I'd just keep her on the phone while I tried this other outfit on. I put the jacket on over my nightgown and of course, it fit. I took that off and tried the beaded tank top. That also fit over my nightgown. The true test was going to be the pants and I told Patty so. She said, "I remember you telling me on my wedding day that you were concerned about bending over in those pants as you were worried they might split." We laughed about that as I took the pants off the hanger. I held them up and said, "Oh my gosh!" I couldn't believe how LARGE they were. I couldn't help but think about how I felt wearing them that day for Patty's wedding and the feeling of fear I had if I had to bend over. I told Patty to hang on as I put one foot and then the other into the pant legs. As I pulled them up and over my stomach and butt, I was utterly shocked! I sucked in a huge breath and clasped my hand over my mouth.

Patty knew from my silence what was happening. Without even hearing a sound come out of my mouth, she said ever so gently, "It's OK, Honey, let it all out." That's all it took. I burst into tears. You see, I was standing there, holding onto the waist band of these black rayon and polyester dress pants because otherwise they would have fallen off of my body. The elastic on those pants wasn't even stretched. I was literally swimming in these pants that nearly eight years ago I was concerned I would bust out of.

Talk about a "come to Jesus" moment!

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for your grace and mercy which has led me to this very moment in my journey. All glory goes to Him! Amen.

20 weeks and 58 pounds

In just five short months (or 20 weeks), I'm now down a total of 58.8 pounds! It's almost too much for me to wrap my head around.

I lost another six pounds after three weeks. It was my first single digit weight loss and I must admit, I felt a small tinge of disappointment and then I came to my senses! Seriously, six pounds in three weeks is still two pounds a week! That's freakin' fantastic! I am very proud of myself and all that I've accomplished thus far.

I'm going to keep pluggin' away.

And my next big task?

Cleaning out my closet and throwing away my fat clothes!

Stay tuned!

Girls weekend

I attended a girls' get together this past weekend with six friends from high school.

It was interesting to say the least.

I hadn't seen some of these girls for months so I was quite excited to see their reactions to my weight loss (42 pounds to date).

Well, maybe I had too high of expectations as not one of them said a word.

Two of the six girls last saw me a month ago so they were well aware of my weight loss and how my looks were changing (sort of). One girl I saw in June. Two in February and one last November so for sure, I was expecting some reaction from them. The last three had no knowledge I was even losing weight.

They all came in at separate times but I got no reaction. Nothing.

Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Another friend of mine was certain these other friends were going to freak out when they saw me so on Sunday evening when I talked to her, she was so excited to hear what my other friends had said. So, when I told her that no one said anything, she was the one who freaked out! She could not believe that none of them had said anything. She said that even if she had no knowledge of my weight loss efforts, she would be able to tell. Maybe it's because I see her more often?

When I finally "outed" myself to my friends about my dieting efforts, they were happy for me but still no major reactions. I'm not sure what I was expecting from them. I mean, I didn't think anyone would do cartwheels for me but I thought maybe an "Oh my gosh!" exclamation and maybe a hug? But nope. Nothing.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not going to let this get me down. No way! I've come to far to let something so trivial as this affect my journey.

But it's interesting to me that while some of my friends who I see more often go on and on about how great I look, these girls said nothing. I began to wonder if maybe it's because they just see me for who I am. I mean, I'm still overweight so I'm the overweight friend. I don't mean that they think bad of me being overweight but just that it's who I am to them.

I might still be overweight but if this weekend taught me anything at all, it's that this weight I carry does not define me as a person. I am still me under these layers but as I shed them, I am becoming someone else.

Not someone better.

Just someone different.