Compliments...they do a body good!

I have another weigh-in tomorrow.

Am I nervous? Absolutely.

Do I think I lost anything? If the comments I've received in the last few weeks are any indication of a loss, then, yes I have!

I've done something differently in the last month. I haven't written in my food journal. I was curious to see if I'd done it long enough now that I didn't have to continue. If I don't have the results I want at my weigh-in, then I know I'll have to make the necessary changes. But journaling got to be so redundant. I wondered if it was really making a difference this far along in the game. We'll see where that leads me. It very well could lead me right back to my food journal. And I'm OK with that.

I've done a bit more activity this last month but still nothing consistent. I don't know what the answer is going to be for that. It seems every time I have good intentions to do more, life gets in the way and the exercise doesn't fit in. I know it's all about choices. I just have to learn to choose differently and that's hard. A lifetime of bad habits still doesn't change even after six months. Well, I guess I still have to have struggles to keep me grounded. If I didn't, this weight loss thing would have happened a long time ago, right?

As I mentioned, I've received many compliments in the last few weeks. What a confidence booster those are!

My husband grabbed me for a hug a few weeks ago and said, "Holy crap!" I couldn't figure out why he would say that while hugging me. "What was that for?" I asked him. He said, "Before, when I used to hug you, I could only clasp my fingers together while my arms were around you. Now, I can do this." And he illustrated by showing me that he could grab his own wrists and hug me. He said it seemed like he was squishing me but I explained that wasn't the case! LOL

Yesterday, a co-worker asked how much more I'm down. I told her I wouldn't know until Thursday. She said she could definitely tell that I'd lost more because looking at a side profile, I looked flat. It's hard to describe but I totally understood what she meant.

Another gentleman at church on Sunday asked if he could ask me a question and hoped I wouldn't think he was nosy. I said I wouldn't think that. He wanted to know if I had lost something or some things. I couldn't help but smile. When I told him I was currently down 58 pounds, he was shocked and upset at himself that it took him this long to "notice." I told him there was no need to apologize. Even though the compliment was delayed, it was super nice to hear anyway!

I finally changed my profile picture on Facebook. I had several people tell me I no longer looked like my other picture, that my face was much thinner. So, after like five tries, my husband finally captured a shot of me that I approved of. I barely had the pictured uploaded and friends were posting comments about it. Again, really nice to hear!

So, even if the scale doesn't give me a number I like tomorrow, I will remember all of these great compliments and use those to fuel myself for the next month when I face the scale once again.

Cleaning out the closet

While on vacation this week, I gave myself one task: Clean out my closet and get rid of my "fat" clothes.

I tackled that feat today and what a feat it was.

I was definitely in the right mind set to let go of these trivial pieces of clothing, those items that I had attached certain memories and moments to. I was ready to put these items in a storage tote and save them for a future garage sale.

A 45-gallon storage tote is now overflowing in our spare bedroom and approximately 75 empty hangers have taken up residency in my closet, waiting for new clothes to drape over them.

In the deep recesses of that closet, I discovered a few things: A wedding dress which is filthy from never getting it dry cleaned 12 years earlier and a fancy black pant suit with beads which I wore as the matron of honor at my best friend's wedding. I pulled the dress out of its makeshift garment protector (also known as a black garbage bag tied in a knot at the bottom) and inspected it. Minus the stains of make-up and dirt, it looked the same as it did 12 years ago when I put it on and married my husband. I thought to myself, "What the heck?" and put it on. Slipping it over my head I wondered how this was doing to turn out. I was anxious as it dropped down over my head, past my stomach and butt, down my legs and to my feet. I reached around and began to zip up the dress. Not only did that not-so-white anymore dress fit me, but I actually had some room to spare!

I surprised myself by not crying but by dancing around instead. My husband was in the bathroom and I whipped open the door and stood there proudly in my wedding gown. Todd said, "Holy crap! You're in your wedding dress. How does that make you feel?" I said, "It feels pretty dang good!"

I made a few calls to some friends and my sister as I was so proud of this accomplishment. It felt good to know that the size I am now is about the size I was when I married Todd. Todd fell in love with a plus-sized woman; he's never known me with any other shape. It made me feel good to know I basically "looked" like I did when we exchanged our vows that day in May in 1997.

The next task was trying on that black pant suit of mine. Apparently that suit held more importance to me than my wedding gown as the pant suit was in an actual garment bag. I pulled it out of the bag and proceeded to put it on. I was on the phone with my best friend at the time as I had called to tell her I tried on my wedding dress. I told her I'd just keep her on the phone while I tried this other outfit on. I put the jacket on over my nightgown and of course, it fit. I took that off and tried the beaded tank top. That also fit over my nightgown. The true test was going to be the pants and I told Patty so. She said, "I remember you telling me on my wedding day that you were concerned about bending over in those pants as you were worried they might split." We laughed about that as I took the pants off the hanger. I held them up and said, "Oh my gosh!" I couldn't believe how LARGE they were. I couldn't help but think about how I felt wearing them that day for Patty's wedding and the feeling of fear I had if I had to bend over. I told Patty to hang on as I put one foot and then the other into the pant legs. As I pulled them up and over my stomach and butt, I was utterly shocked! I sucked in a huge breath and clasped my hand over my mouth.

Patty knew from my silence what was happening. Without even hearing a sound come out of my mouth, she said ever so gently, "It's OK, Honey, let it all out." That's all it took. I burst into tears. You see, I was standing there, holding onto the waist band of these black rayon and polyester dress pants because otherwise they would have fallen off of my body. The elastic on those pants wasn't even stretched. I was literally swimming in these pants that nearly eight years ago I was concerned I would bust out of.

Talk about a "come to Jesus" moment!

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for your grace and mercy which has led me to this very moment in my journey. All glory goes to Him! Amen.

20 weeks and 58 pounds

In just five short months (or 20 weeks), I'm now down a total of 58.8 pounds! It's almost too much for me to wrap my head around.

I lost another six pounds after three weeks. It was my first single digit weight loss and I must admit, I felt a small tinge of disappointment and then I came to my senses! Seriously, six pounds in three weeks is still two pounds a week! That's freakin' fantastic! I am very proud of myself and all that I've accomplished thus far.

I'm going to keep pluggin' away.

And my next big task?

Cleaning out my closet and throwing away my fat clothes!

Stay tuned!

God bless my husband

After work tonight, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I got home and Todd and I were in the kitchen putting stuff away.

And completely out of the blue, my husband asks, "Um, yeah, could you get any skinnier?"

Wow. Freaked me right out. Needless to say, I didn't react properly. I should have just said, "Aw, thanks, Honey. That's nice of you to say."

But what did I do? I spazzed out. I asked him what he was talking about and where did that come from? I said, "This is the same outfit I've worn several times before. I don't think I look different from the last time I wore this." And then I said, "The word 'skinny' and me do not belong in the same sentence." He just stood there looking somewhat dumbfounded.

And then I realized what I was saying and doing. I apologized to my kind husband and thanked him for the compliment.

What an ego boost that actually was.

God bless him!

Changing my mind

I've never been one to accept compliments easily.

Mainly because I typically would question the reasoning behind the compliment.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't think people were blatantly lying to my face. But I always wondered "why" when someone said they thought I looked nice that day. Or if they thought my shirt was cute, etc.

Never did I imagine that people would begin to compliment me on my physical being.

I don't know if it's because I've hit that magical "50" mark in my weight loss or what? (I actually surpassed it. A feat I will gladly admit, not overlook).

Being down 52 pounds thus far is just amazing. And the compliments I'm receiving are pretty great too.

Do they do wonders for my self-esteem? Absolutely. But I'm discovering that the more I hear them, the harder it is to say thank you. I'm having a hard time "believing" them and accepting them. Again, I realize people aren't lying to my face but maybe they're just being nice? I've never been one to hear these kinds of things so to hear them now and to hear them often is quite an adjustment.

The other day, I found myself responding to a co-worker with a "Pfffftttt" when she said, "You're looking pretty skinny there, ma'am!"

OK, let's get one thing straight. I'm not skinny. I've never been skinny and probably never will be skinny.

But the fact of the matter is, people are definitely noticing my weight loss. And while my body is starting to physically change for the better, my head still needs some work. (No comments from the peanut gallery please!)

As I read over what I've just written, I realize this seems a bit ridiculous. Like I can't find something else to complain/write about? For pete's sake, I need to get a grip! This is my biggest problem right now? I'm having difficulty hearing how great I look? Some could only wish for a problem such as this.

But changing one's perception after years of being ingrained with "Fat people are ugly, not worthy, useless, lazy, etc." (or fill in the blank with any negative word you can think of) is difficult to do.

But I'm going to try!

Another 10 bites the dust....

And another 10 gone and another 10 gone, another 10 bites the dust!

Yes, that's right. I'm down not 10, not 20, not even 30....but 52 pounds in just 15 weeks!

I'm extremely proud of myself and my friends and family are too. The support I've received throughout my journey thus far has been amazing. I'm so blessed.

In fact, last night, during my prayers, I began to cry....not because I was sad but because I'm so overwhelmed by my success. And it's by the grace of God that I am where I am today....at 52 pounds less. All the praise goes to Him!

I've NEVER had this kind of success before on any diet I've ever tried. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I've done this well.

I'm doing this.

No one else.

Just me.

Oh, and God.

Girls weekend

I attended a girls' get together this past weekend with six friends from high school.

It was interesting to say the least.

I hadn't seen some of these girls for months so I was quite excited to see their reactions to my weight loss (42 pounds to date).

Well, maybe I had too high of expectations as not one of them said a word.

Two of the six girls last saw me a month ago so they were well aware of my weight loss and how my looks were changing (sort of). One girl I saw in June. Two in February and one last November so for sure, I was expecting some reaction from them. The last three had no knowledge I was even losing weight.

They all came in at separate times but I got no reaction. Nothing.

Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Another friend of mine was certain these other friends were going to freak out when they saw me so on Sunday evening when I talked to her, she was so excited to hear what my other friends had said. So, when I told her that no one said anything, she was the one who freaked out! She could not believe that none of them had said anything. She said that even if she had no knowledge of my weight loss efforts, she would be able to tell. Maybe it's because I see her more often?

When I finally "outed" myself to my friends about my dieting efforts, they were happy for me but still no major reactions. I'm not sure what I was expecting from them. I mean, I didn't think anyone would do cartwheels for me but I thought maybe an "Oh my gosh!" exclamation and maybe a hug? But nope. Nothing.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not going to let this get me down. No way! I've come to far to let something so trivial as this affect my journey.

But it's interesting to me that while some of my friends who I see more often go on and on about how great I look, these girls said nothing. I began to wonder if maybe it's because they just see me for who I am. I mean, I'm still overweight so I'm the overweight friend. I don't mean that they think bad of me being overweight but just that it's who I am to them.

I might still be overweight but if this weekend taught me anything at all, it's that this weight I carry does not define me as a person. I am still me under these layers but as I shed them, I am becoming someone else.

Not someone better.

Just someone different.